This interview took place this morning in the downtown "Stump the Tromp" studios...
Me - Pete, thanks for being here today.
Pete Carroll - Hello, in case you didn't know, even though you totally did, I'm Pete Carroll...
...and no, I don't look like a total d-bag in that picture above...
Me - I know who you are... and yes you look like a total goonbot in that picture... anyway, talk about the big game Sunday against.... daaa Bearse!
PC - I love coming to Chicago, it's like a big Seattle. Seattle is great too. Seattle is like a small Los Angeles. And Los Angeles is like a giant Muncie.
Me - That's the stupidest thing I've ever heard.
PC - (smiles awkwardly)
Me - Talk about your history with cheating?
PC - People say I cheat all the time, but they are never clear about what I am cheating at... Do I cheat at board games - Maybe. At football - Definitely. On my wife - Haha, of course... but... wait, what was the question? Oh right, the answer is no, I've never been in a porno!
Me - That's not at all what I asked.
PC - Sure as heck did. Then why is this nudey magazine just laying around in your office?
Me - You were reading that when you walked in a few minutes ago.
PC - Are we going to talk about the game?!?!
Me - I'd love to... ok, you guys beat the Bears already this season. Can you do it again?
PC - Yes.
Me - Oh wow, you actually answered my question. Ok, would you explain why?
PC - I'll do whatever it takes... if you catch my drift?
Me - Are you talking about cheating?
PC - No, Kyle, I'm talking about putting in extra hours to prepare for the game and playing as hard as we can (rolls eyes) of course I'm talking about cheating!
Me - Silly me. Alright, this interview is going nowhere fast. Can you give me any insight on how you guys plan to attack the excellent Chicago Bears defense?
PC - Knives.
Me - Excuse me?
PC - Yup. Sending some of my linemen out there with some knives. Couple jabs here and there to the pass rushers... tell ya right now, Hasselbeck will have all the time in the world to throw the ball.
Me - That's assault.
PC - You're assault.
Me - This is officially the worst interview I've ever done, and I've interviewed Drew Bledsoe...
PC - I used to coach him! He was a pretty good quarterback... but I just couldn't win with him. He just wouldn't go along with my game plan...
Me - Just to clarify, by gameplan, you mean cheating, right?
PC - Yeah... I wanted to send him out there with a hammer... you know, classic hammer block... linebacker comes on a blitz, you just pop him right in the knee cap with the hammer... he goes down no problem...
Me - Classic hammer block?
PC - Kyle, back in the early 1900's, players used to take the field with electric chainsaws...
Me - Let me stop you right there... one, that didn't happen, and two, chainsaws weren't even invented yet...
PC - That's not true at all... I was coaching a game one time and I sent my punt returner out there with a bazooka... and guess what, we won the damn game...
Me - What did he do with the bazooka?
PC - If you are wondering if he killed a guy with that bazooka, you would be wrong.
Me - Oh phew, that's good.
PC - Kyle, it was a bazooka... it kills more than just one guy... he fired that right into the coverage team... took him all out and just walked into the end zone... if we had Devin Hester on the Seahawks, I'd send him out there with a bazooka every play...
Me - None of what you said can be true.
PC - It's funny what reporters won't write about you when you are pointing an RCP90 right at them...
Me - Is that a weapon from Goldeneye for Nintendo 64?
PC - Ok ya got me... it wasn't an RCP90... it was a Klobb...
Me - That's the worst weapon in the game... wait, what am I saying? You committed a crime!
PC - And you have also committed a crime, the crime of being judgmental.
Me - OK, that's fine. Lock me up and throw away the key. I don't think it's safe for me to be around you so lets wrap this up. Do you have any final thoughts?
PC - If we lose on Sunday, I plan on taking an epic 2 bomb in the bathroom of the visitors locker room, and there is no chance I flush... jail break the sh*t out of that place...
Me - You're a moron... thanks for stopping by.
This may or may not have actually happened...
