You’ve heard of the killers—Michael Myers, Jason Voorhees, Angela, Cropsy—but do you know their victims? These are the ones who couldn’t get away because they were too stupid, too arrogant, too selfish, too abrasive, too obnoxious, too bitchy, too gangsta, too sleazy, too whiny, and even too retarded. In summary, yes, they deserved to die, and we hope they burn in Hell!
11. House of Wax (2005)
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The Setup: Six friends encounter a ghost town where the only remaining life is two murderous psychopaths, who are keeping the family wax museum in operation one dead body at a time. Paris Hilton—need I say more?
The Punishment: Paige is one of the unlucky six, but really the primary one that makes us feel unlucky for buying a ticket. Thankfully, this piece of crap is no longer cluttering up our movie theaters, but any time you want to see one of the more obnoxious characters in horror movies, you can always head down to the local video store and rent this one.
(Those still out there?)
Anyhow, Paige acts exactly like the young lady, who plays her, and no, that is not a compliment. Please don’t take this as a death threat, Paris Hilton, but Paige just had to go. And go she did! In fitting fashion, Paige gets her brains poled out. Paris wouldn’t want it any other way.
10. Sleepaway Camp (1983)
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The Setup: Sleepaway Camp did The Crying Game long before there was a crying game, and it was a lot scarier and more shocking in 1983 than it ever was in the 1992 crime-drama. While there were many victims in Sleepaway Camp who you could make a case for, including Ms. Hair-Curler-to-the-Lady-Parts, the most annoying was a punk kid named Kenny, who pitched in with the bullies just so he wouldn’t get the crap kicked out of him.
The Punishment: Kenny annoys you throughout because he’s one of these guys—and they’re out there—who has Little Man’s Syndrome. You know the type. Not very big, but they want you to think they’re tough, so they make sure they pick on people with the help of a support group. But perhaps more annoying than that is the song Kenny sings just before his killer pops up under the overturned boat where he waits on what he believes will be a piece of tail. Kenny gets drowned by what is essentially a pre-teen girl. Take that, you sissified piece of garbage with a mullet.
9. Cheerleader Camp (1988)
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The Setup: Cheerleader Camp’s classic looking video box of a skeleton in cheerleader drag hints at what should be the greatest slasher movie of all time, but it never quite rises to its potential. Part of the reason is because of a douche bag named Brent Hoover and his tubby friend Timmy. While I could have done without both these guys, Timmy was pound-for-pound more annoying, and we all know what happens to fat people in horror movies.
The Punishment: Timmy and Brent lead one of the worst rap routines ever filmed or recorded, setting white rappers back 10 years. If not for Eminem, they’d still be suffering the aftereffects of this and Vanilla Ice. As punishment for the rap (and for being fat—horror movie rule not mine), Timmy is gutted like a Christmas turkey.
8. Halloween II (1981)
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The Setup:
The second entry in the popular Halloween series starts where the 1978 original ends. It all takes place on the same night making Michael Myers into one of the most prolific mass murderers per film capita. It wasn’t until he crossed paths with Budd, an EMT at Haddonfield’s city hospital that he really did the world a favor.
The Punishment:
Budd first gets on audience nerves when he cites some fictitious rule book as obnoxious characters are wont to do in horror movies. “Rule number one, don’t get involved with patients!” He then takes off on the old gospel hymn “Amazing Grace” with a questionable rewrite of the lyrics. Aside from fashioning himself a ladies man, Budd is a character just void of any human decency.
Thankfully, we’ve got Michael to put him out of our misery. The scene happens mostly off-screen, and is somewhat disappointing in that regard, when Budd goes to check on the thermostat to the hospital hot tub.
7. The Burning (1981)
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The Setup: Set at a summer camp where a charred maniac makes mincemeat out of mostly likeable teenagers with garden sheers, the only weak link in the sympathy chain was Glazer.
The Punishment: Glazer uses the fact that he is older and bigger than the other kids as a ticket to respect. Again, what good are horror movies if they can’t deliver just desserts to the people who torment others to feel better about their selves? And just what could be troubling Glazer? How about the fact that he’s a Minute-Man in the sack? Luckily, Cropsy puts the erectile dysfunction case at rest with a tree trunk and those trusty sheers.
6. Happy Birthday to Me (1981)
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The Setup: Virginia “Ginny” Wainwright has a bad feeling that she may be a killer. When her so-called friends at the Crawford Academy—the self-proclaimed Top Ten—start dying in horrible ways, Ginny has vivid memories of their murders.
The Punishment: Greg Hellman is the type of guy that snaps photos of his crap and sends it to everyone he knows before flushing. He is so full of himself that he honestly believes there’s nothing he can do wrong. He takes great pride in his looks and his muscles, which is kind of funny because it seems to me that when the killer receives an opportunity to 1-8-7 him, it’s because Greg can’t lift 225 pounds one time.
(Not a hell of a lot by muscle-man standards.)
As he struggles to hold it up with the rack pulled from safety, the killer smashes his man-parts with another weight, causing the 200-plus to come crashing down on his head. Thank you.
5. Open House (1987)
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The Setup: Someone is killing off the buxom, built, and ready real estate hotties in town, and only fellow real estate hottie Lisa Grant (Adrienne Barbeau) and her impossible-to-like boyfriend Dr. David Kelley (Joseph Bottoms) can save the day. Luckily for Dr. Kelley, there is someone far more detestable in this film deserving of his comeuppance. And that man’s name is Barney Resnick.
The Punishment: If you gave Brion James ovaries and had him mate with Gary Busey, then their child would have the face of Barney Resnick but with half the talent. You can blame Hope for the looks and the acting. Everything else blame on the character. And by “everything else,” I mean the chauvinism, the objectification of women, the threats of violence toward them, and the seedy perversion he emanates in every frame. Thankfully, the killer has enough near the end of the film and removes his head since it really does the character more harm than good anyway.
4. Friday the 13th Part V: A New Beginning (1985)
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The Crime: Friday the 13th Part V tried taking the high road by having a Jason-inspired killer, who was very much human. Unfortunately, the idea and the execution were two different things. Nowhere is this more apparent than how the film depicts the mentally handicapped.
The Punishment: Joey is enrolled in a summer camp for troubled teens not far from the site of the Camp Crystal Lake murders. Of the kids in the group, he is the only one who might be classified as mentally retarded. But instead of being played with authenticity and sympathy for the condition, Brascia’s Joey is true retard, overweight and bursting at the seams with a Santa Sack full of stupid.
Watching this kid eat a chocolate bar, you’ll never look at one the same way again. By the time Vic (Mark Venturini) does him in with an ax, you’re just glad that Joey can’t screw up any more of life’s little joys for you.
3. Don’t Go in the Woods
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The Crime: Maniac is loose in the woods, tearing people limb from limb. The main characters are supposedly Peter, Ingrid, Craig, and Joanne, though they get about as much screen time as some of the random victims. Of the four, Craig is the one who knows the woods, and also the one who issues the title warning. What he doesn’t know, however, is how to act. And to be singling out one bad performance in this sea of crap speaks volumes for just how offensive he truly is.
The Punishment: By the end of Craig’s first scene you’re ready for him to die. High school acting troupes possess more raw talent than Hayden brings to the role. Mercifully, he’s hacked up while playing a joke on one of the girls, so you get to see him leave the world only seconds after dancing like a buffoon and shouting, “He’s going to get you! You can’t escape!” And that’s made doubly annoying by the fact that this guy pronounces his “g’s” at the end of all “-ing” words. Of course, it isn’t all Hayden’s fault. Director James Bryan has no idea what he’s doing. On the special edition DVD, he tries to play it off like he made the movie this bad on purpose. But this kind of incompetence can’t be created. It’s a special kind of talent.
2. I Know What You Did Last Summer (1997)
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The Crime: Four friends make a huge mistake at the behest of the pushy one in their crew and live to regret it one year later when each receives a note with an ominous warning: I know what you did last summer. Scary.
The Punishment: Barry convinces his friends that it’s a good idea not to report what appears to be vehicular manslaughter. As a result, the roadkill returns to exact its revenge on the four of them one year later, hook in tow. Barry, playing tough guy and screaming at everyone through most of the movie, gets thrown around and stabbed repeatedly like the little bitch that he is near the end of the film. Of the four friends, he is the first to go. Fitting if you think this guy is as much of a punk as I do.
As if Phillippe weren’t easy enough to hate already, you have to listen to him scream his lines and spit all over the cast and crew for 100 minutes. Where were you, Mr. Fisherman, when he was convincing that angel Reese Witherspoon that getting married would be a good idea?
1. Friday the 13th Part 3 (1983)
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The Crime: Jason’s not dead. A bunch of stupid teenagers are. Among the next batch of victims is a portly young fellow with a hockey mask named Shelly. If not for contributing the iconic look to everyone’s favorite campfire killer, my vote would be to string Shelly up like a piñata and take swings at him with a machete.
The Punishment: We get to see Shelly with his throat torn open though I wish director Steve Miner would have at least had the courtesy to show us the kill. Why so much hate, you ask? Throughout the film, Shelly eats a lot, whines a lot, complains about wanting people to like him, asks for sympathy from other characters, begs for compliments, misinterprets a girl’s feelings, runs off pouting when she doesn’t want to humiliate herself by having sex with him, and resorts to stupid pranks to try and win friends. He is a small, insignificant, disgusting lard body, who defines himself by the way others see him. Sort of like a politician.
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