Movie Heisman Award Finalists!

Eff Scam Newton... I hate it that another crook is going to win the Heisman Trophy tonight... if I have a Heisman vote... which is not very likely, I mean, I'd have better luck playing pick up sticks with my buttcheeks... I am voting for Boise State's Kellen Moore, the best passer in the country

I'll get off my soapbox... time for the real Heisman race... MOVIE football players... way more exciting than the actual Heisman Award ceremony tonight

Here are the few that almost made the top 5:

• QB Paul Blake - "Necessary Roughness" - Scott Bakula was a hell of a player, but no Chris Weinke story here, his Texas State team around him wasn't good enough to get him on the ballot
• RB Darnell Jefferson - "The Program" - Omar Epps had a lot of skills out of the backfield for Eastern State, and he nailed Halle Berry, but the lingering fumbling issues hurt his chances
• QB Shane Falco - "The Replacements" - Horrible performance in the Sugar Bowl killed his reputation
• WR Rod Tidwell - "Jerry Maguire" - Arizona State WR had good numbers, but projected to only be a slot receiver in the NFL and has a bad attitude
• K Lucy Draper - "Necessary Roughness" - Kathy Ireland is gorgeous, nuff said...
  

5 - KR Forrest Gump - "Forrest Gump" - Alabama

Let's just call this the "Devin Hester" selection... Forrest might be the stupidest son of a bitch alive, but damn is he fast! He is a threat to score every time he touches the football... easy selection for the top 5

4 - QB Frank Cushman - "Jerry Maguire" - SMU

Clearly the Ryan Leaf of this draft... has all the talent in the World but has nothing to work with upstairs... DUMB... although he helped raise SMU from the dead so he gets points there... but he just doesn't seem like a very LOYAL person, and integrity counts in my book, so he loses points...

3 - QB Stan Gable - "Revenge of the Nerds" - Adams College

Stan Gable has some personality issues as well, but you can't ignore the fact that he is the best player in the history of Adams College football, and he has the team in position to win the big homecoming game... and he's dating the hottest girl on campus... hope he doesn't fuck it up................ (he does)

2 - LB Bobby Boucher - "The Waterboy" - South Central Louisiana State University

Just a madman tackler with a knack for the football... he is the total package... good attitude, great player, great teammate... but there is one thing holding him back... he's basically retarded, his mom is crazy and if Scam Newton has taught us anything, it is that parents can ruin a kids' reputation

WINNER - QB Joe Kane - "The Program" - Eastern State University

KANE IS ABLE!!!

Great story here... Kane shakes off a drinking problem and a horrible father to win the big game at the end, and in my book, win the Heisman Trophy...

He also gets huge points for nailing Kristy Swanson... good lord

He lost the big game early in the season to Michigan, but he picked himself back up to be clutch in the end...

"Put the women and children to bed and go lookin' for fuckin' dinner" - JK